I was born and raised a Mormon. I was active in the church until 2022, but at the age of 27, I decided to stop attending. I haven’t removed my records at this point, so I’m still technically a member of the church, but I don’t consider myself a Mormon anymore.
As a side note, I understand that the church prefers not to use the word “Mormon” anymore as a descriptor. I was always proud of the name and considered it a part of my identity, so it’s still what I use to describe my identity and experiences there.
I’ve had about two years to think through all the changes in my life. It has been and still is difficult. I have been and still am (sometimes) angry, hurt and confused. I’ve been in therapy for about a year during this period, and I’m still uncovering ways that being raised in this particular high-demand religion shaped my perception of myself and life. It’s not easy. To quote the author Kiersten White, “Yes, it’s hard to leave. Yes, it will unmoor you and break your heart and reorder the entire world around you. And yes, it’s worth it.”
It’s hard, but it’s so good. It’s good to understand that God does not dislike gay people or women. It’s good to see that these things that were previously mysterious to me actually do have logical explanations (they’re just not faith-promoting.) It’s good to feel confident when telling people what I believe, for the first time in my life. It’s good to know what’s on the other side of the line that I was told never to cross. It’s not scary, it’s beautiful.
There’s a lot I could write and have said, but as I was thinking through this post, I decided to give my past self some love. If I were to go back in time and coach myself through the process of leaving, I think this is what I would have wanted (or needed) to hear:
A Girl’s Guide to Leaving the Church
Information is good, but give yourself time and space to process.
There’s a wealth of information available for anybody who wants to investigate the church and its truth-claims. Yes, there are faith-promoting sources you can turn to, but there are also places that will give you the facts without worrying about your feelings. Look for facts and look for truth.
All of this information is exciting, especially for people (like you) who love to learn. That being said, you don’t have to take it in all at once, nor should you. There’s a whole world outside of Mormonism. Don’t forget to read other books, listen to other podcasts, and have other conversations. Yes, it’s interesting and exciting, but there is so much more to life than this.
You will break hearts. You have to give others permission to feel the way they are going to feel.
Pain is real, always. Whether you feel it is warranted or not, it’s real. Let others feel their pain, but don’t let it dictate how you are going to live your life. All you can do is act in love and kindness toward the people around you, but trying to people-please is just an attempt to exert control. Your life is your own responsibility, as are your boundaries. Give others the grace to react to your truth as they will.
Things are not black and white, as much as you want them to be.
Black-and-white thinking is a church special. It’s either all wrong or all right, all good or all bad. Reality is not so simple. Sure, it can be gratifying to think of the church as either an “all-good” or an “all-bad” place, but isn’t that just playing into the thinking they taught you? Learn to see the grey, even in places where you don’t want it to be nuanced. There are good people everywhere. There are good things everywhere. Allow that to be.
You’re not alone, you’re not special, and you don’t have any grand insight that somebody else hasn’t already had.
Leaving the church does not make you special. Thousands have done it, and thousands more will do it. This is a good thing. Allow yourself the space of normality and lean on others who know more than you. In the same breath, allow others the same space that you gave yourself. Everyone is on a journey of their own creation, and how lovely to not be alone. How lovely not to be special.
There is community on the other side.
There’s a lot of pain in leaving your tribe and your community, but there is true community outside of the walls of your church building. You’ll end up loving where you live, believe it or not. Salt Lake is full of people who have experienced the same pain as you and have figured out how to thrive through it. Your will find friends, new and old, who have your back. You get to create your own community now, and what a beautiful gift.
There are still ways to live a good life. You get to choose what to keep.
Remember the black-and-white thinking? Yeah, don’t fall for that. There are things you can keep from your upbringing. You don’t have to discard it all. You can go through the wreckage of your faith and find the jewels that you always loved. They survived the fire, and they’ll get you through to the next phase of your journey, too.
Love will follow you wherever you go.
Love is more powerful than dogma. You’re not losing that love. In most cases, you’re strengthening it. The love of your family and your friends is only going to grow stronger. If it doesn’t, then it probably wasn’t love in the first place.
This won’t fix everything.
Leaving is a painful choice. It’s scary and the consequences are real. That being said, I know how hopeful you feel about it. Maybe this is the change you need to finally love yourself and your life. And while that is partially true - you do need this change - it’s not the magic pill. There is real work on the other side of this chasm, and this is just the beginning of it.
Fear is harmful. Face it.
To quote the book I’m currently reading: “I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.” Face your fears, and you will conquer them. Ignore them, and they’ll keep knocking on the door. You’ll never be able to sleep.
You’re not right about everything, but you’re also not wrong about everything.
There will always be more to learn, just as there will always be others with different life experiences than you. You’re not right about everything because how could you possibly be? Can you imagine how terrible of a burden that would be - the person who knows it all? In the same breath, you also aren’t wrong about everything, either. You can trust yourself and your experiences while still leaving the door open to learn more. You don’t have to throw everything out the second new information crosses your path. You also don’t have to disregard any new information in favor of what you already know. Be open and teachable - be confident and firm. Both are possible.
If this list resonates with you, just know that there is so much love coming your way.
I’ll keep my likes/dislikes lists short this week out of respect for your reading time - how about one each? (Ok, maybe two.)
What I’ve Read/Listened To/Watched This Week That I Liked
This book by Kiersten White: Head over to my IG page for a full review, but for a shorter sum-up, let’s just say that I loved “Mister Magic” and it deals very heavily with the themes I addressed above. It’s creepy! It’s awkward! It descends slowly into hell! There’s cute couples and a few malicious old white people! Love, love, love.
This podcast from Ali Vallarta: This episode was great, but all of City Cast Salt Lake has been my new favorite find as of late. They’ll give you daily snippets of news and personal interest stories that relate directly to our cute little city (which is about to be not so little anymore, at this rate.) Lately, I haven’t been leaving my house a lot (hello being a mom, working from home, and being sick all the time from pregnancy) so it’s good to still feel connected to the outside world.
What I’ve Read/Listened To/Watched This Week That I Did Not Like
This IG reel from hannahlashay: Very blatant use of using God to sell products. This happens a lot, but most people are a bit more sly about it. Hannah was punchy - she cut right to the chase. 0/10 for subtlety.
The Big Recommendation
The thing I’ve been thinking about this week, regardless if it is something I consumed recently or not.
Nothing life-changing this week. I’m just excited for things to come - namely books. I have a pile of them on my table next to me right now, just waiting to reveal their secrets.
Love you. Drink some coffee for me, or read a book. Or both - they go really great together.
Love, Sam
I love you and I love this, you had me crying at the end - this felt like such a bittersweet big hug